How to Find Joy in Your Everyday Life (Even When Life Feels Awful)

While the events of 2020 sure make it hard, think about what you can learn from tough circumstances. "If you're having a difficult time with this global pandemic, try to find something meaningful about it," says Sandy Marantz, L.C.S.W., Ph.D., of Westmed Medical Group in Yonkers, N.Y. Maybe you've realized you actually like spending more time with your family and don't want to go back to an office five days a week. Understanding what quarantine has taught you can make the harder days more worthwhile.

If scrolling through Instagram leaves you wondering why you didn't marry a banker like your college friend who now lives in a "house" the size of a palace, Brian Wind, Ph.D., and Chief Clinical Executive at JourneyPure, says to zoom way in, like hour-to-hour. What could bring you joy today? "It can be easier to attain than 'a lifetime of happiness,'" he says. "Ultimately, all of those little moments will build up to create joy." You know what won't? Superficial things, even palatial homes.

When we're upset, we have a tendency to think about everything else going wrong in our lives and spin out. So, Damico recommends being more intentional about remembering what you do have—even if it's as foundational as the legs that let you stand upright. And it doesn't have to mean starting a gratitude journal if that feels cheesy to you: "Choose something you do every day, like brushing your teeth or waiting for the coffee to brew, and use that time to reflect on what you are grateful for during that moment." It comes down to this quote she likes, by David Steindl-Rast: "It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratefulness that makes us joyful."

If your day is full of responsibilities, consider how you can carve out even 15 minutes for an activity you're passionate about—whether it's sewing masks for healthcare workers or reading a new book with your kid. "Your joy comes from what you feel passionate about, and your passion is your purpose," says licensed therapist and radio host Jaime Bronstein. "Finding joy in life leads you to understand why you are here, and what causes your life to be sustainable, meaningful, and purposeful."

Every day feeling like more of the same? You need something that excites you. Talley encourages working toward a new goal that feels interesting, meaningful, and challenging—something that takes you out of your status quo—like running a half marathon, even if it's virtual. "This will not only bring enhanced joy on a frequent basis, but upon succeeding at your goal, you will experience a sublime sense of joy, the memory of which will also bring joy," he says.

We're usually either thinking about the past or planning for the future—but neither mindset will bring you joy. "Finding joy can only truly exist in the now," says William Schroeder, licensed professional counselor and director of Just Mind Counseling. He says replaying the past or anticipating the future denies us the connection to our own reality and can cause a great deal of pain. "If you can learn to exist in the now, then you will free yourself from pain connected to the past or future," he says. Now that's a nice thought.

Ruminating about a past work mistake is one thing—but it may be that you're suffering from a trauma that requires more attention. Negative experiences and pain from the past can create barriers to accessing joy, Bronstein says. "Doing the work to get beyond those barriers is hard, but it's worth it," she says. So, give yourself permission to find a good therapist or counselor. "By healing the past, evolving, growing, and thriving, you can live life from your true self—fully in your joy."

It's easy to get wrapped up in the performative nature of social media. Ask yourself: Are you living to please others—or are you living as you genuinely want to be? Choosing your authentic self will help you achieve joy, Bronstein says. "Joy is our organic state, but life happens and we forget what it feels like," she explains. "Joy is always there underneath those barriers."

You know the phrase that always pops up around the holidays, It's better to give than to receive? Annalisa Smithson, M.A., ME.d., therapist at Animal-Assisted Therapy, LLC, says doing good for others really does have a positive effect on our mental health. In one recent study, one group practiced "prosocial behavior" (acts of kindness) whereas another prioritized self-oriented habits for four weeks. The result? Acts of kindness led to higher levels of psychological wellbeing and positive emotions.

Getting outside is crucial to finding joy, Smithson says. A study published in Landscape and Urban Planning compared participants' moods after walking through nature verses those who walked through a city setting and found that the former experienced less anxiety, rumination, and negative effects overall. They also experienced more positive emotions and performed better on memory tasks.

When someone around you is belly laughing, there's a 90% chance it'll bring a smile to your face as well. "Laughter is contagious, and so is joy," says Leela R. Magavi, M.D., regional medical director of Community Psychiatry. Aside from being an obvious form of fun, there are so many health benefits to a good LOL. "When we laugh, we release endorphins into our body that can offer natural pain relief." Laughter also reduces stress and boosts our immune system, says Paula Wilbourne, Ph.D., co-founder and chief scientific officer of Sibly.

Your sour mood may be because you're spending too much time around pessimists. "When we're around happy people, we tend to feel happier ourselves," says Nicole Arzt, L.M.F.T., who serves on the advisory board for Family Enthusiast. If you've noticed you're mostly bonding with people while venting, consider deepening relationships with those who can reframe things more positively (without ignoring your feelings, of course). Eventually, it may pay off in dividends. "Happy people are more inclined to create strong social connections," Mahalli adds.